(Jake Weisman is a comedian, a football fan, and now a Super Bowl champion. Was he a member of the New York Giants? Pretty much he was. And now he’s returned to NFL Off-Season to talk about football and fatherhood, and to show off the Lombardi Trophy.)

I Am A Super Bowl

I generated a lot of controversy with my last piece about the New York Giants. I know this because all sorts of people were coming up to me afterwards saying things like “Sir that’s not your credit card number, that’s MY credit card number. How did you get that information?”

And I genuinely hate those kinds of questions, and controversy in general, because, honestly, I’m still God, and I don’t need to be asked anything ever. And if you’re thinking right now, OK prove to me you’re God Jake, then it’s like, if I’m not God, then who is this guy standing next to me with a gun?

You might have a few questions for for me so far. Like I bet you’re begging to ask: “when’s Wheel of Fortune?” Pretty rude if you ask me. Next time ask politely like this: “when’s Wheel of Fortune, please?” I won’t answer, but that’s not because I don’t like you, it’s because Wheel of Fortune got canceled.

Oh yeah, so my Dad loves me again. Because the Giants won the Super Bowl. Now the only thing left in my life that sucks is I never had a father to begin with.

That being said, did you guys watch that game? What a game! If I can say one thing about THAT game, I’d wish for my father to be real instead.

Go Giants football!

Oh also, I attached a picture of me winning the Super Bowl this past Sunday, which is also featured on my blog Pictures Of Me Having Sex.

(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Emily Heller, a comedian, writer, protagonist, and celebrity Photoshop wizard who recently relocated to New York City.)

Whatever, Super Bowl

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jeff Cleary, a  Bostonian comic and tastemaker who is currently serving as the uncrowned Mayor of the Mission District in San Francisco.)

ESPN is a Four-Letter Word

You might think having your team go to the Super Bowl coinciding with your recent unemployment would be great, but you’d be wrong.  Ever since Billy “Captain Hook” Cundiff punched the Patriots ticket, I set out to absorb as much pre-game analysis as possible.  After almost two full weeks of listening to blowhards like Skip Bayless and Rob Parker, I now appreciate how important the Terri Schiavo debate really was.

First off, let me point out: I’m not some Bryce Harper front-runner.  My dad has been a season ticket holder since the 70’s which means I spent many a cold New England day sitting in Schaefer Stadium, watching Steve Grogan get murdered.  To make matters worse, my dad was one of those guys who never wanted to leave before the clock struck :00 (maybe that was a life-lesson, but it was lost on me and my frost-bitten fingers).  Is there a statute of limitations on child abuse charges?

Before I get to the game, my heartfelt apologies to the City of Indianapolis.  When you scored the Super Bowl, I’m sure you had visions of Peyton Manning throwing touchdowns to Dallas Clark.  Instead, what you get are New York douchebags and New England Massholes, arguing in the streets.  Time to visit far away relatives!

Believe me, as someone who’s moved away from Massachusetts, I quickly learned the obnoxious reputation we carry.  In fact, I find myself actively trying to remedy that assumption by being the overly polite Boston sports fan.  It confuses the shit out of people!  It’s like my own version of white guilt, but with sports congeniality.  It’s super easy, too.  All I have to do to set myself apart is not scream the word “faggot” in public places.

As for the game, of course, I have the Patriots in a shoot-out, 35-21.  Honestly, if I could get my ultimate wish, I’d have the Patriots win a close game on a controversial call, just to listen to New Yorkers bitch about it until we have another rematch in next year’s Super Bowl (America’s nightmare continues!).  I think the magic number for the Pats is 30.  We score 30, we should win.  Also, our offensive line has to have a good game.

Most of the “experts” on the network that shall not be named keep pointing out the formidable Giant defense.  Now, I’ll admit our 31st ranked defense isn’t stellar, but their defense is ranked 27th!  -Not exactly the ‘85 Bears out there.  And there’s been much said about Gronk not practicing, but Nicks and Bradshaw have missed practices for the Giants as well.  Still, if we honestly feel like there’s no way to beat the Giants, we should just call the Redskins and ask them how they did it.

(Everytime I hear the name Gronkowski, I think of the tender sensibilities of Mike Ditka.)

Two last motivating factors that seem to be discounted by the analysts:

Finally, I was at the regular season Pats/Giants game in New England this year and guess what?  We played like shit and lost on a last minute Eli drive which was greatly the product of Kyle Arrington, who seems to love to interfere with receivers.  Having witnessed that, my advice to the Patriots would simply be: Don’t play like shit.  Play like we all know you can, and you should win the game.

Now, back to the Celtics/Knicks game.

(Follow Jeff on Twitter: @sf_jef. Check out his travel blog here: Mission Radius. Have a Racer 5 with him at The 500 Club.)

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Josh Gondelman, a stand-up comic from Boston who currently lives in the heart of enemy territory in New York City)

Pats fans need Rob Grownkowski’s ankle to be healthy even more than his teammates do. That’s because, like Wes Welker before him, and Tom Brady in his breakout season, Gronk is our guy. He’s the one fans root for a little harder. Not the biggest star, but the star with the most enthusiastic following. After a promising rookie season, Gronkowski smashed tacklers and records on the way to a breakout sophomore campaign. And everyone in New England brags about him like he’s their own brother.

A big game against the Giants will cement his legacy in the hearts of Patriots fans no matter what happens from here on out. In the same way Knicks fans lionize John Starks’s playoff heroics in spite of an uneven career, Gronk will become more legend than man. We’ll always have that magical season where Gronkowski racked up touchdowns and porn starlet fans and (hopefully) helped hoist the Lombardi Trophy. No one wants an ankle sprain (suffered at the hands of historical Patriots assassin Bernard Pollard) to stand in the way of history.

Get well soon, Gronk. We’re all counting on you. You’re our guy.

(Follow Josh Gondelman on Twitter: @joshgondelman. Get his CD here: “Everything’s The Best”. See him live at Side Splitters in Knoxville, TN with Gary Gulman February 16-18)

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)

I Am A New York

Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important country in the world.

I know what you’re thinking out loud right now: “Jake, New York’s not even a state, how could it be a country?” To that I say: “You’re right, I have a lying problem.”

Considering I am from New York, I can tell you first hand that there is absolutely nothing in the world like being a fan of the New York Giants. Except for being a fan of any other professional football team.

No, but really, let’s get serious. Football really is a bigger deal in New York than in other places. Like, for instance, in Australia, it’s already Saturday.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know man, maybe because I’m God? Or is it maybe because I’m NOT God? Either way, I’m from New York, and that’s a BIG deal.

I like football. I also like sports. I like football more than other sports. Football shouldn’t even be considered a sport. It’s more than that. Like for instance in Australia, where it’s nationally recognized as Saturday. 

OK, so I am God. Smack. I am the band Godsmack. I apologize for my music. I only created it to get attention from my father.

My father is a BIG fan of the New York Giants. I know this because whenever he calls me on the phone he says, “I’m not your Dad, and this isn’t a phone call, I am the voice in your head. Also, I’m a BIG fan of the New York Giants.”

OK Guys, basically the only thing my father will talk to me about is football. Please let me have this. Make my father love me.

Besides, I don’t even think New England is a real place. Like where is it, in England? Um OK you idiots. That’s not even in Australia, where one day this week it will be Tuesday, probably.

Even if New England is a “place,” it’s not like they have fathers. I have more fathers than all the fans of the New England Patriots combined. I have 14 million fathers.

Go Giants!

I am God.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I am God.

(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. First up is Joe Tobin, a stand-up comic from Philadelphia who lives in San Francisco)

My thoughts on the Super Bowl…as an Eagles fan, I hadn’t intended to tune in, honestly. I was actually planning to watch “Invincible” (on DVD) and the AMC Rocky movie marathon (on DVR) while eating unheated Dinty Moore Beef Stew right out of the can.

Watching the Eagles fall short of the Super Bowl is nothing new, of course, but it was particularly tough this year, given the record-setting amount of bedshitting the Eagles were guilty of this year. (Who falls for a hard count on a 4th and 1?!?) For most of the first half of the season, the Eagles played like a Madden game, but one where I’m working the controls. And in case you don’t know how bad that is, you should know that I once played an entire inning of MLB: The Show at Best Buy AND DIDN’T REALIZE I was playing the demo. (I got suspicious when my #3 hitter took a swing without me pressing any buttons.)

By the time Week 8 of the season rolled around, the Eagles were the “Dream Team” of the NFL in the same way that NKOTBSB was the “Dream Team” of pop music. (Side note: both will likely be seen at Hershey Park this summer.)

Watching the Giants in the Super Bowl, I feel an odd desire to root for them. Watching them lose would be like watching somebody else beat up your little brother…it needs to be done, but it’s weird seeing someone else do it. Plus, a Giants victory would bring tremendous disappointment to Boston sports fans, which is always a noble cause. If the Pats failed again to beat Eli — who makes a face like he wants a juice box every time he gets sacked — Pats fans everywhere would wrap themselves in ceremonial Bruschi jerseys and try to slit their wrists with Gillette Fusion razors.

But at the end of the day, we all — Eagles, Pats, and Giants fans — can come together and agree that at least it’s not the Steelers.

(Follow Joe Tobin on Twitter here: @radiofreetobin. Watch his standup clips here: Joe Tobin Comedy on YouTube. You can see Joe at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco on February 14th.)