• If the 49ers win, expect Alex Smith to immediately sign a deal with Domino’s Pizza. “Everyone thought I sucked, and then I got a lot better. While that still only bumps me up to mediocre, I’m also cheap.”
• If the Giants win, Eli Manning will film another Double Stuff Racing League commercial, but his new partner will be Andrew Luck.
• Depending on his postgame press conference, Tom Coughlin could end up a miniature coach in a beer commercial within two years. It would be easy to suggest that his face has also been “frost-brewed.”
• Any win by a Harbaugh brother will set up a “Who’s Got It Better Than Us?” campaign for Best Western.
• Joe Buck will work the phrase “Jumbaco” into the broadcast, because he is the fucking worst.
• A triumphant Tom Brady will film a Mitt Romney endorsement at midfield; a losing Tom Brady will film himself shame-eating a giant sundae from the Coldstone Creamery in the back of his town car.
• Rex Ryan will shill for Six Flags. “Since I’m clearly not going to Disneyland any time soon, I might as well visit Six Flags. But I’m not taking Mark, because he’s scared of roller coasters.”
• You’ll hear the song “Bad Day” more than thirty times today, while an announcer suggests, incorrectly, that it’s perfectly acceptable to start playing fantasy football in late January.

(Sean Keane)

The fantastic Joe Mande called it; Alex Smith is the closest thing the NFL has to Dillon Panthers quarterback Matt Saracen, from Friday Night Lights. Let’s explore the parallels.

- Alex’s final drive on Sunday contained a miraculous last-second touchdown pass, like in the Season One state championship game, and a heart-breaking comeback from the opposing team, like the Season Three state championship game, and everyone cried tears of joy, like when Tami Taylor found out she was pregnant. (Please no spoilers, I’m still in the middle of Season Four)

- Matt Saracen had to care for his elderly grandmother, who was in the early stages of dementia. Alex Smith had to deal with offensive coordinator Jimmy Raye, who occasionally forgot what down it was. Once, in a goal-line situation, Smith had to burn a timeout AND sing “Mr. Sandman” to Raye just to get him to send in a play.

- Neither Matt Saracen nor Alex Smith has ever had a legitimate wide receiver to throw to. The emergence of Delanie Walker as a receiving threat is kind of like the episode where Landry caught a touchdown pass and Coach Taylor still called him “Lance.” Although Delanie Walker never murdered anyone.

- What they did have were Tim Riggins and Vernon Davis. Both are former disciplinary problems turned team leaders. Both started off as blockers, but when they were actually made a part of the offense, they became devastating weapons. Each has a brother with a drinking problem. Also both looked like full-grown men as teenagers, although for Riggins, that was because he was played by a 28-year-old.

 - They also had Frank Gore and Smash Williams. Both running backs had obvious talent, but were ignored due to a knee injuries, and eventually paid huge dividends for the team that took a chance on them. Frank Gore never resorted to steroids, but then again, he also never had to work at an Alamo Freeze.

- Saracen was abandoned by his mentor, Coach Taylor, who left for a better job at TMU. Smith was abandoned by his mentor, Norv Turner, who left to run the San Diego Chargers into the ground. Frankly, I don’t think Norv is even qualified to be the head coach of TMU.

- Later, Coach Taylor chose J.D. McCoy over Saracen, and blew the state championship game because of it. Coach Mike Singletary started Troy Smith ahead of Alex, and blew the easily winnable 2010 NFC West division.

- Smith also lost his job to J.T. O’Sullivan, which might as well have been the name of a Friday Night Lights character. Offensive coordinator Mike Martz preferred O’Sullivan to Smith, just like Wade Aikman supported J.D. McCoy.

- In his title game win, Saracen defeated his archrival, Voodoo Tatum. In his division round win, Smith defeated a team from New Orleans, the most voodoo-friendly city in America.

- Matt Saracen had sex with his coach’s daughter. On the sidelines, Coach Mike Singletary once angrily suggested that Alex Smith go have sex with himself.

So what are we to expect as fans on Sunday? Will Alex Smith triumph against the New York Giants, the Arnett Meade of the NFL? Will the rain turn Candlestick into a Mud Bowl? Will Alex Smith be distracted by his father’s unexpected return from Iraq? Did anyone ever find out what happened to the Latino kid that Buddy Garritty adopted?

All will be answered soon. Who’s got clearer eyes and fuller hearts than us? Nobody!

(Sean Keane)

Lambeau Fail?

Whenever a team does well on the road in Green Bay, they’re given extra credit because of the location. The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field is legendary! Green Bay is cold, it’s snowy, and it’s full of rabidly cheering Cheeseheads. Opposing teams are lucky to come out of there alive, let alone victorious.

Or, they used to be. In the last decade, Lambeau Field has been far from unwelcoming. Here’s the results of the last ten years of playoff games in Green Bay:

• January 15, 2012: N.Y. Giants 37, Green Bay 20
• January 20, 2008: N.Y. Giants 23, Green Bay 20 (OT)
• January 12, 2008: Green Bay 42, Seattle 20
• January 9, 2005: Minnesota 31, Green Bay 17 (The “That was a disgusting act!” game)
• January 4, 2004: Green Bay 33, Seattle 27 (OT) (The “We want the ball and we’re gonna score” game)
• January 4, 2003: Atlanta 27, Green Bay 7

The Packers also defeated the 49ers 25-15 in 2002, a game that falls just outside of our ten-year window. Even including that game, that leaves the Packers at only 3-4 in home playoff games, all against lower-seeded teams. Three of those losses were blowouts. Not to take anything away from Eli Manning’s performance today, but it’s no longer that impressive to play well as a visitor in Lambeau. I’d be much more worried about the “Field Turf tundra” of the Superdome than the antifreeze-heated sod of Lambeau.

(Sean Keane)

And somewhere in Middlesex County, Doug Flutie shed a single tear.

(Photo by Al Bello/Getty Images)

“Tom Brady is your God now, Timothy.”

(Photo by Jim Rogash/Getty Images)

Detroit leaves their dome for less friendlier indoor confines in New Orleans in a matchup of two 5,000-yard passers. How do we decide between such high-powered offenses? Time to go Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!

Worst failure by trusted leadership

New Orleans: President Bush was president of the United States from 2001-2008. In 2005, Bush stayed on vacation while Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans, the levees broke, and flooding devastated the city of New Orleans. Later, while relief efforts broke down, he claimed his beleaguered FEMA head was doing a “heckuva job.”

Detroit: Matt Millen was team president of the Lions from 2001-2008.

ADVANTAGE: Detroit. At least President Bush didn’t draft a wide receiver in the first round three years in a row.

Mayor’s Bet

What would the mayors of these cities stake on the outcome of this battle? Here’s our best guess.

Detroit: An abandoned house, a carton of Jim Leyland’s cigarettes, Kid Rock’s leftover hepatitis C medication, a game-worn Richard Hamilton face mask, and a Lincoln Blackwood.

New Orleans: 35 strands of beads, a 96-ounce alcoholic fruit drink, a Big Star box set,  and a bullet fragment that was once lodged in Andrew Jackson’s chest.

ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.

Most Dickensian Player Names

Detroit: Gosder Cherilus, Johnny Culbreath, Nick Fairley, Kyle Vanden Bosch

New Orleans: Drew Brees, Jermon Bushrod, Chase Daniel, Chris Ivory, Turk McBride, Pat McQuistan, Thomas Morstead.

While Kyle Vanden Bosch sounds like an orphan who’s secretly heir to a fortune, and Gosder Cherilus his evil guardian, the sheer number of Dickensian Saints names tips the balance in their favor - and that’s without considering ethnic-but-still-Dickensian names like Brian De La Puente and Isa Abdul-Quddus. ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.

Famous Fans

Detroit: Bob Seger, Lou Whitaker, Mayor Dave Bing, Don Cheadle’s character from “Out Of Sight,” Eminem’s #1 fan, Stan, Megatron the Transformer, Starscream the Transformer, Dido.

New Orleans: Nicolas Cage, Dr. John, the Neville Brothers, the Neville Sisters, Sean Penn in a rowboat holding a shotgun, anyone with a facial birthmark, Blanche Dubois, Emeka Okafor.

ADVANTAGE: Detroit.

The tiebreaker comes down to:

Mascots

Detroit: Roary the Lion.

New Orleans: (two) Gumbo the Dog (he’s a SAINT Bernard) and Sir Saint.

Sir Saint is a nobleman AND a man of the church, which would have made him incredibly powerful in medieval times. Whether New Orleans is praying for a missed field goal on the sidelines or simply trying to negotiate the salary cap, Sir Saint is quite an asset. Gumbo used to be an actual dog dressed up in a Saints jersey on the sidelines, and what’s cuter than that? Meanwhile, poor Roary doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page.

ADVANTAGE: New Orleans.

So there you have it. In a close battle, the Saints edge out the Lions. While the Saints may come stumbling in, rather than marching, our calculations indicate the Superdome should be ringing out with “Who Dat?” in a few hours.

(Sean Keane)

He was the MVP of his state championship game in high school, so he has some skills. Only 6’2” and 195, and his athleticism exceeds his route-running, so he’s probably a combo guard in the Association. He could potentially be a Shannon Brown type - great dunker, limited in other areas - and considering that the police found eight pounds of weed at his house, you’d have to think he’d end up on the Blazers.

(Sean Keane)

Today, Cincinnati visits Houston in the Texans’ first playoff game ever, which means David Carr can finally cut his hair. Houston is a four-point favorite, meaning that that the Gamblo-American community (TM Scribbly Tate) thinks the teams are virtually even on a neutral field. How do we separate such close teams? Let’s look Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!

Quarterback Names

If your name is “T. J. Yates,” you have no choice to become an NFL quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or a bootlegger. “Andy Dalton” sounds like an investment banker or someone’s high school boyfriend. Cincinnati would be better off if he was “Andrew Dalton” or even “Drew Dalton,” but T. J. Yates is really tough to beat.

ADVANTAGE: Houston

Read More

Jay Cutler, take notes. When you hurt your knee, make as big a show of your pain as possible. Grimace. Make your teammates pick you up. Get carted off in a wheelchair.

Because a lot of the criticism of Jay Cutler seems to center around the idea that he didn’t look hurt enough. Maybe it’s just haters revising their opinions now that they know he actually tore his MCL. But based on the sheer number of people taking him to task for not using crutches and not making “I’m hurt” faces on the sidelines, it seems like football pundits care much more about appearances than facts.

There is a sport where everyone does act like Paul Pierce when they get hurt and it is called soccer. Is that really what you want from your quarterbacks, America?

(Sean Keane)

Sounds like somebody wants to know if there is a job opening in Chicago next year.

Turns out, Lynch’s TD shook Qwest Field and the ground around the stadium — literally.

Vidale said a seismic monitoring station located about 100 yards west of the stadium registered seismic activity during Lynch’s run. The shaking was most intense during a 30-second stretch about the time Lynch broke free from the line of scrimmage, finished off his touchdown and celebrated in the end zone with his teammates.

After that, Vidale said, the shaking died down, but it took about a minute for the shaking to completely fade away.