(Jake Weisman is a comedian, a football fan, and now a Super Bowl champion. Was he a member of the New York Giants? Pretty much he was. And now he’s returned to NFL Off-Season to talk about football and fatherhood, and to show off the Lombardi Trophy.)

I Am A Super Bowl

I generated a lot of controversy with my last piece about the New York Giants. I know this because all sorts of people were coming up to me afterwards saying things like “Sir that’s not your credit card number, that’s MY credit card number. How did you get that information?”

And I genuinely hate those kinds of questions, and controversy in general, because, honestly, I’m still God, and I don’t need to be asked anything ever. And if you’re thinking right now, OK prove to me you’re God Jake, then it’s like, if I’m not God, then who is this guy standing next to me with a gun?

You might have a few questions for for me so far. Like I bet you’re begging to ask: “when’s Wheel of Fortune?” Pretty rude if you ask me. Next time ask politely like this: “when’s Wheel of Fortune, please?” I won’t answer, but that’s not because I don’t like you, it’s because Wheel of Fortune got canceled.

Oh yeah, so my Dad loves me again. Because the Giants won the Super Bowl. Now the only thing left in my life that sucks is I never had a father to begin with.

That being said, did you guys watch that game? What a game! If I can say one thing about THAT game, I’d wish for my father to be real instead.

Go Giants football!

Oh also, I attached a picture of me winning the Super Bowl this past Sunday, which is also featured on my blog Pictures Of Me Having Sex.

(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)

(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. Next up is Jake Weisman, a stand-up comic, podcaster, and cat lover who lives in Los Angeles)

I Am A New York

Hi my name is Jake Weisman. I am from New York, the most important country in the world.

I know what you’re thinking out loud right now: “Jake, New York’s not even a state, how could it be a country?” To that I say: “You’re right, I have a lying problem.”

Considering I am from New York, I can tell you first hand that there is absolutely nothing in the world like being a fan of the New York Giants. Except for being a fan of any other professional football team.

No, but really, let’s get serious. Football really is a bigger deal in New York than in other places. Like, for instance, in Australia, it’s already Saturday.

Why am I writing this? I don’t know man, maybe because I’m God? Or is it maybe because I’m NOT God? Either way, I’m from New York, and that’s a BIG deal.

I like football. I also like sports. I like football more than other sports. Football shouldn’t even be considered a sport. It’s more than that. Like for instance in Australia, where it’s nationally recognized as Saturday. 

OK, so I am God. Smack. I am the band Godsmack. I apologize for my music. I only created it to get attention from my father.

My father is a BIG fan of the New York Giants. I know this because whenever he calls me on the phone he says, “I’m not your Dad, and this isn’t a phone call, I am the voice in your head. Also, I’m a BIG fan of the New York Giants.”

OK Guys, basically the only thing my father will talk to me about is football. Please let me have this. Make my father love me.

Besides, I don’t even think New England is a real place. Like where is it, in England? Um OK you idiots. That’s not even in Australia, where one day this week it will be Tuesday, probably.

Even if New England is a “place,” it’s not like they have fathers. I have more fathers than all the fans of the New England Patriots combined. I have 14 million fathers.

Go Giants!

I am God.

On a scale of 1 to 10, I am God.

(Follow Jake on Twitter here: @weismanjake. See his erotic art here: Pictures Of Me Having Sex. Watch videos from Jake’s sketch group, Women, here: Women Comedy.)