“I was yelling to him, `Don’t score, don’t score.’ He tried to stop, but he fell into the end zone.”
- Eli Manning on Ahmad Bradshaw’s 4th quarter touchdown.
(Photo by Ezra Shaw/Getty Images)
Super LOL XLVI: “An Eagles Fan’s Perspective,” by Joe Tobin
(Leading up to Sunday, we asked a group of comedians to share their thoughts and insights on the big game. First up is Joe Tobin, a stand-up comic from Philadelphia who lives in San Francisco)
My thoughts on the Super Bowl…as an Eagles fan, I hadn’t intended to tune in, honestly. I was actually planning to watch “Invincible” (on DVD) and the AMC Rocky movie marathon (on DVR) while eating unheated Dinty Moore Beef Stew right out of the can.
Watching the Eagles fall short of the Super Bowl is nothing new, of course, but it was particularly tough this year, given the record-setting amount of bedshitting the Eagles were guilty of this year. (Who falls for a hard count on a 4th and 1?!?) For most of the first half of the season, the Eagles played like a Madden game, but one where I’m working the controls. And in case you don’t know how bad that is, you should know that I once played an entire inning of MLB: The Show at Best Buy AND DIDN’T REALIZE I was playing the demo. (I got suspicious when my #3 hitter took a swing without me pressing any buttons.)
By the time Week 8 of the season rolled around, the Eagles were the “Dream Team” of the NFL in the same way that NKOTBSB was the “Dream Team” of pop music. (Side note: both will likely be seen at Hershey Park this summer.)
Watching the Giants in the Super Bowl, I feel an odd desire to root for them. Watching them lose would be like watching somebody else beat up your little brother…it needs to be done, but it’s weird seeing someone else do it. Plus, a Giants victory would bring tremendous disappointment to Boston sports fans, which is always a noble cause. If the Pats failed again to beat Eli — who makes a face like he wants a juice box every time he gets sacked — Pats fans everywhere would wrap themselves in ceremonial Bruschi jerseys and try to slit their wrists with Gillette Fusion razors.
But at the end of the day, we all — Eagles, Pats, and Giants fans — can come together and agree that at least it’s not the Steelers.
(Follow Joe Tobin on Twitter here: @radiofreetobin. Watch his standup clips here: Joe Tobin Comedy on YouTube. You can see Joe at Cobb’s Comedy Club in San Francisco on February 14th.)
Championship Game Commercial Predictions
- If the 49ers win, expect Alex Smith to immediately sign a deal with Domino’s Pizza. “Everyone thought I sucked, and then I got a lot better. While that still only bumps me up to mediocre, I’m also cheap.”
- If the Giants win, Eli Manning will film another Double Stuff Racing League commercial, but his new partner will be Andrew Luck.
- Depending on his postgame press conference, Tom Coughlin could end up a miniature coach in a beer commercial within two years. It would be easy to suggest that his face has also been “frost-brewed.”
- Any win by a Harbaugh brother will set up a “Who’s Got It Better Than Us?” campaign for Best Western.
- Joe Buck will work the phrase “Jumbaco” into the broadcast, because he is the fucking worst.
- A triumphant Tom Brady will film a Mitt Romney endorsement at midfield; a losing Tom Brady will film himself shame-eating a giant sundae from the Coldstone Creamery in the back of his town car.
- Rex Ryan will shill for Six Flags. “Since I’m clearly not going to Disneyland any time soon, I might as well visit Six Flags. But I’m not taking Mark, because he’s scared of roller coasters.”
- You’ll hear the song “Bad Day” more than thirty times today, while an announcer suggests, incorrectly, that it’s perfectly acceptable to start playing fantasy football in late January.
Lambeau Fail?
Whenever a team does well on the road in Green Bay, they’re given extra credit because of the location. The frozen tundra of Lambeau Field is legendary! Green Bay is cold, it’s snowy, and it’s full of rabidly cheering Cheeseheads. Opposing teams are lucky to come out of there alive, let alone victorious.
Or, they used to be. In the last decade, Lambeau Field has been far from unwelcoming. Here’s the results of the last ten years of playoff games in Green Bay:
- January 15, 2012: N.Y. Giants 37, Green Bay 20
- January 20, 2008: N.Y. Giants 23, Green Bay 20 (OT)
- January 12, 2008: Green Bay 42, Seattle 20
- January 9, 2005: Minnesota 31, Green Bay 17 (The “That was a disgusting act!” game)
- January 4, 2004: Green Bay 33, Seattle 27 (OT) (The “We want the ball and we’re gonna score” game)
- January 4, 2003: Atlanta 27, Green Bay 7
The Packers also defeated the 49ers 25-15 in 2002, a game that falls just outside of our ten-year window. Even including that game, that leaves the Packers at only 3-4 in home playoff games, all against lower-seeded teams. Three of those losses were blowouts. Not to take anything away from Eli Manning’s performance today, but it’s no longer that impressive to play well as a visitor in Lambeau. I’d be much more worried about the “Field Turf tundra” of the Superdome than the antifreeze-heated sod of Lambeau.
The number one sport in America is the NFL. The number two sport is hating on Eli Manning. It’s true. Well, at the very least, everyone likes to indulge in the hate from time to time. But even the his staunchest critics have to give the man his due. In the 2011 season Eli Manning threw for 4,933 yards. That would be fourth in the league. The three guys ahead of him; they placed first, second and fifth on the all-time single season list.
Need more evidence? Eli’s numbers came playing outdoors, in that crazy stadium’s wind, with no running game to speak of. It’s time, you gotta give Eli his credit. Everyone wants to heap praise on his receivers, who no doubt are good, but take a look at the Giants’ leading receivers over the past three years.
2009 - Steve Smith (1220 yds, 7 tds)
2010 - Hakeem Nicks (1052 yds, 11 tds)
2011 - Hakeem Nicks (1116 yds, 6 tds)
2011 - Victor Cruz (1358 yds, 8 tds)
New faces from year to year but they still pile up the yards. That HAS to speak to Eli’s play at least a little.
See, we don’t always verbally abuse Eli.
With all the moving parts in the NFL each year, there’s always one thing we can count on: a competitive race in the NFC East.
The Giants will wake up tomorrow two full games ahead of the Eagles, Cowboys and Redskins. But have you seen their schedule? Here it is: at New England, at San Francisco, vs. Philadelphia, at New Orleans, vs. Green Bay, at Dallas, vs. Washington, at New York Jets, vs. Dallas.
There is —- literally (Rob Lowe’s Parks and Recreation voice) —- not one easy game on that schedule.
But you know what? I think the Giants can go 5-4 in this closing stretch, putting them at 10 wins and in a good spot for a playoff spot, if not the division title.
Because if there’s something else we can count on, it’s that Tom Coughlin’s Giants always disappoint when you expect too much, and surprise when you think it’s time to count them out.
This will be one of my favorite storylines for the next two months, and a defining stretch for Eli Manning’s career.
