• If the 49ers win, expect Alex Smith to immediately sign a deal with Domino’s Pizza. “Everyone thought I sucked, and then I got a lot better. While that still only bumps me up to mediocre, I’m also cheap.”
• If the Giants win, Eli Manning will film another Double Stuff Racing League commercial, but his new partner will be Andrew Luck.
• Depending on his postgame press conference, Tom Coughlin could end up a miniature coach in a beer commercial within two years. It would be easy to suggest that his face has also been “frost-brewed.”
• Any win by a Harbaugh brother will set up a “Who’s Got It Better Than Us?” campaign for Best Western.
• Joe Buck will work the phrase “Jumbaco” into the broadcast, because he is the fucking worst.
• A triumphant Tom Brady will film a Mitt Romney endorsement at midfield; a losing Tom Brady will film himself shame-eating a giant sundae from the Coldstone Creamery in the back of his town car.
• Rex Ryan will shill for Six Flags. “Since I’m clearly not going to Disneyland any time soon, I might as well visit Six Flags. But I’m not taking Mark, because he’s scared of roller coasters.”
• You’ll hear the song “Bad Day” more than thirty times today, while an announcer suggests, incorrectly, that it’s perfectly acceptable to start playing fantasy football in late January.

(Sean Keane)