Today, Cincinnati visits Houston in the Texans’ first playoff game ever, which means David Carr can finally cut his hair. Houston is a four-point favorite, meaning that that the Gamblo-American community (TM Scribbly Tate) thinks the teams are virtually even on a neutral field. How do we separate such close teams? Let’s look Behind The Inside Of The Numbers!

Quarterback Names

If your name is “T. J. Yates,” you have no choice to become an NFL quarterback, a NASCAR driver, or a bootlegger. “Andy Dalton” sounds like an investment banker or someone’s high school boyfriend. Cincinnati would be better off if he was “Andrew Dalton” or even “Drew Dalton,” but T. J. Yates is really tough to beat.

ADVANTAGE: Houston

Mayor’s Bet

The mayors of playoff cities usually don’t bother wagering until it gets to a championship game, but with the Ravens or Patriots looming for the winner, these mayors might want to bet when they could actually win. What would they offer? Here’s our conjecture:

Houston: Jeff Bagwell’s old goatee, five jars of queso, a Frank Reich voodoo doll, and George W. Bush’s bomber jacket from the “Mission Accomplished” photo-op.

Cincinnati: A case of Bock beer, a stack of Pete Rose’s old betting slips, a gallon of chilli that’s poured over spaghetti for some reason, and a “You Don’t Live In Cleveland, You Live In Cincinnati” t-shirt autographed by Sam Wyche.

ADVANTAGE: Cincinnati

Mascots

Cincinnati’s mascot is a ferocious bengal tiger named Who Dey. A “Texan” is just some dude who lives in the state, but in a nod to the city’s Latino population/a ripoff of the University of Texas, Houston has Toro, a giant bull. They’re both fun-loving and imposing, so it comes down to their education levels. Who Dey “double majored in entertainment and fun and graduated summa cum laude” from Bengal University, while Toro claims to have a “Master’s of Acrobatics.” While Toro’s pursuit of graduate-level education is admirable, it’s suspicious that he lists no alma mater. On the other hand, Bengal University has produced its share of standouts, including Montecore, Tony the Tiger, and Shere Khan. Granted, their library only contains chewed-up copies of The Life of Pi, and their academic advising is reportedly “far from grrreat,” but we still say:

ADVANTAGE: Cincinnati

Raider Alumni

Both teams have backup quarterbacks that formerly wore the silver and black. Bruce Gradkowski of the Bengals played thirteen games for the Raiders in 2009-10. Jeff Garcia of the Texans was released by Oakland before the season even started in 2009, meaning he’s much less tainted by the pervasive suckiness of the Raider organization.

ADVANTAGE: Houston.

It’s even at 2-2, so we go to the tiebreaker.

Ability to front-flip into the end zone

Cincinnati: Yes.

Houston: Unknown.

ADVANTAGE: Cincinnati

So there you have it. Houston may have the stronger team, but Cincinnati has all the intangibles. Looks like it will be the Bengals, unless Gary Kubiak gets on the mic and announces, “You don’t live in Arlington! You live in Houston!”

(Sean Keane)